When I finally indulge myself to a night of peace, no intoxication or mind-dulling drugs - my eyes shut and my mind jumps straight into a world that I control...I create. But on those nights, I have absolutely no control - I don't dream of warm beach scenes or colorful over imaginative mmorpg worlds. I fall into this cold darkness that suffocates me the minute you appear, as the monster that I have to run away from. I run until my eyes open and realize that it was all in my head, a nightmare that makes me turn the light on and hold on tightly to my pillow.
Recently, I don't bother to run anymore...instead I just watch my night time monster move closer, taking her steps one at a time like a distressed ballerina. Strangely she never touches me...she never physically hurts me but she screams with no sound. That alone is enough to make me run, a soundless dark and cold dream - extremely terrifying. My nighttime monster has the most unique features, horrifyingly beautiful! Big hazel eyes with lashes that make a chilling breeze when she bats them, they make a waterfall of tears engulfing me from the knee down in salt water all the while burnt pieces of paper appear way above my head gliding down with words that mysteriously cause a sharp pain in my chest. Her lips move rapidly, almost simultaneously with the scraps of paper but her mouth will not produce a single sound. At this point, I put one and the other together...the burnt scarps are her words. They source of the sharp pain must be the fact that the words...are actions, things that I've done that I shouldn't have...negativity that created my present and future that i refuse to accept.
My night time monster was once my lover, when i'm wide awake I can say nothing but praises when others ask about her - truth is my praises at times turn into hate. For my night time monster left me, broke me, took my heart and now I can never feel whatever feelings a heart can give and attain. The guilt inside of me has unconsciously shaped her into a beautiful yet bloodcurdling gigantic monster that constantly mocks me, punishes me in my dream realm.
I stress my apology, I do not run anymore because I want my night time monster to stop crying, stop forcing me to watch her cry, watch her scream words as fiery as the flames that burn them! Stop forcing me to remember constantly the hurt I caused and how useless the word "sorry" is...I stress my apology but she will not and never will accept it.
I can not change the past, fix every mistake with the snap of my fingers...I self harm with intoxication of any kind and prescribed mind-poisoning pills so I never fall into the cold and dark dream realm where my night time monster resides, and waits to scorn me further.
