Losing Grip

 16/05/2014

Everything seems to be against me...this is meant to be reasons as to why I feel the way I do, but...FUCK I CAN'T DO THIS!!!

I can't put my thoughts on paper, my brain is mixed up with so much crap! FUCK ALL OF THIS! Once again, I hate everyone and everything...nothing makes sense and I think i'm losing my mind even more than before. When I could not recognize my face in the mirror, pictures, when I didn't even respond to my name. But it would be nice, to wake up to a world i've long forgotten. No worries or troubles, my guarding walls long gone. Just a life of bliss, that is all i want; Happiness to its fullest, it's corners and bursting from its seams. Joy, long lasting than the thought of the meaning of the word. Excitement, ecstatic and electrifying, come on and make me feel alive.
Where is that switch? Brain....mind, heart and soul, dare thee tell me who oppressed my humanity only to fill me to the rim with animosity. When, why and who gave the permission to kill the purpose of my beating heart. Without it, knowledge cannot seep within the holes on my head, Love is not understood or noticed, empathy...a word that carries endless emotions to me is wasted ink on paper. All this I write daily, attempting to understand ones self is wasted ink on paper.
I cannot answer my own questions, those with papers claiming they understand DO NOT understand, HOW DARE THEY call themselves professionals. When did you strive in the education of myself, 7 billion souls to learn about and with a glance you know every moment my soul has experienced?. One cannot claim to understand a broken mind if their mind has countless cracks, who said you are not broken?  Social norm? FUCK THOSE TWO WORDS, they are as everything else just ink on paper. Who came up with all of this? Are they broken just as much as me, do they intoxicate their souls vessel with colored miniature bricks that contain humanities glue stick, a cure for insanity? These bricks are said to make worse better, but with my switch off i cannot differentiate them. Therefore, I blindly devour this cure for the loss of ones self. Future me, I beg of you...switch on and love thy ink.

The Pain

Maybe you refuse to accept it, to feel it! All because you think you might regret it; so wonderful and addictive, pulling apart is as impossible as separating the clouds from the sky. One touch starts the fire within you, go ahead and seclude yourself; it's not seduction just the laws of attraction following the entity that created them. Our differences means our hearts are constantly trying to reach out and be in each others embrace, fighting that pull force results in unimaginable pain.
Why do you let your heart strings snap and decay away? The further you move away the more the damage...what about the other heart, it's watching itself die and hugs its human tightly; whispering words of comfort to compensate each tear drop. 'Faith...hope' It screams at it's host but it too cannot believe in those words. But when you come back and hold me, my heart beats steady and latches out for yours. Hugs feel like pleasant electric shocks that absorb my whole body. Your lips meet mine and for a few seconds its quiet, calm, peaceful, warm, safe...
Then the PAIN hits so hard, makes me want to peel my skin off, pull my hair out and scream until my lungs are empty. My eyes begin to drain as you let go of me, your arms are no longer around or on me. Unable to say the words, but you casually flaunt pictures of you and her; her that you truly love. She doesn't know what we have, how we feel...you keep hiding us, like a stolen item. I hide the pain so that when I'm with you, I appear okay. I blend with the background, and forcefully believe my hearts whispers 'Faith...hope' but for how long?

The headache that makes me write

14/05/2014

Wednesday...thoughts...

It's time to go back to defense mode, conceal and don't feel as they say. Put that happy face on, fake it till you make it. We're almost at the end of the battle, far much worse awaits me beyond the restraints of compulsory formal education; we need to be loved by a stranger only to insist that he or she is your reason to live, absolute bullshit!
Social acceptance, for 18 years I have been the clown, the shoulder to cry and lean on, the warrior feared by even the strongest of men. My name would be admired, feared and loathed at the same time.
Truth is, the real me is broken, showing analyzed textbook emotions. The real me is fragile so I hide her, until its safe, safe enough for her to experience the world.

Think before you speak

For the longest time I've been trying to understand who I am, trying to understand that I can love the person I look at in the mirror. But some people just don't filter their words anymore, think hard before you pour out words that you will regret.
I never chose to be different, most of us never chose to be different. Did you chose your mother, your voice or your birthday?

Having a mental disorder does not classify you as another type, breed, category or subdivision; It means that you are unique...beautifully made, talented and smart! I know it's hard to believe how amazing we are when others create websites misinterpreting what we are, who we are and forcing feeding lies and creating panic and fear.

I have anxiety and depression, but no one can tell unless i tell them! But when i stumbled upon an article stating with exaggerated assurance that Schizophrenia is demonic possession, I was more than angry...I was terrified! Is that what you see, when you look at me...a lost soul?! A body that has been seized against its will, do I bring about sorrow, misery and dark clouds?!

The worst part is when the people close to you...believe it, I know how my mother looks at me and questions if i really am her daughter? If i really am sane...or will I cut too deep one day and cease to exist.
We are who we are...and one day, we will be better and all those that saw us as an obstacle will wish they treated us with love and respect. Because that is all we ever asked for...